So I was invited to give a motivational speech. Why? I don’t know. I once posted “Believe in yourself” on Facebook and suddenly I’m booked.

I step on stage. The mic doesn’t work. I scream louder.
“YOU ARE ALL WINNERS!”
Crowd cheers.

I get bolder:
“QUIT YOUR JOBS IF YOU HATE THEM!”
They cheer louder.

I go full messiah mode.
“BURN YOUR TIES. EAT THE RULEBOOK. LIFE IS SHORT—BE STUPID AND FREE!”

Someone throws a chair. Not at me. Just in general.
People start taking off their shirts. One lady climbs the projector. A guy yells,
“I’M MOVING TO PERU TO BECOME A LLAMA!”

HR runs on stage, screaming, “PLEASE STOP.”
I yell, “THERE ARE NO HR IN THE JUNGLE OF GREATNESS.”

Security tackles me. I still scream:
“FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, EVEN IF THEY’RE DUMB!”

Result:
47 resignations. 1 fire.
I now speak exclusively at prisons and kindergartens.

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